Hard to say I'm sorry...

We all screw up our relationships with friends and family, even though in some cases we ourselves are not the ones to have started it. We make it worse by reacting or sometimes even overreacting to it, and bingo - an endless argument of accusations ensues - forgotten events are brought to life, past hurts are all dug up. Not only that, discussions begin (call it gossip, if you agree) with others trying to gather opinions, satisfying ones own curiosity and the need to reaffirm that 'I'm right'. Blood boils under the skin, hate slips out of control attempting to find any new way of manifesting itself and give back the other person what s/he deserves...

In all the process, many at time, the prime issue loses focus, and our thoughts become so extreme that words and actions start targeting the person and not the issue. That certainly will not only ensure that the issue is not sorted but also the relationship is destroyed. At times the hurt a closed one causes may be so great that you just cannot think of anything else at all. After some reflection and personal experiences, I believe one should hold themselves back from reacting to it immediately. If required sleep over it even for days till one's ready to handle the situation with a cool avoiding any bitter confrontation.

However, it all depends on how much value you attribute to the person and a relationship, and whether or not you want to save that relationship. Similarly, there may be many other variables attached which need to be considered. At the end, remember, everything is personal! If you will, you will!

In all of this, "It takes less time to do a thing RIGHT than it does to explain why you did it WRONG!" Take the first step, it's hard to say sorry, but do it. I've done it, so, I'm sharing it. It's much better, try it. Mend your relationships!

Politically correct or not..

There's a dangerous trend these days - 'of being politically correct'. I realize that as I'm often accused of not being politically correct. While I always looked at as being frank, sometimes rather 'brutally honest', whether invited or not, but always with good intentions only, allegedly not being politically correct has affected me a great deal, and still continues to. What I often find a challenge is - Why should one be politically correct with persons close to them, like friends for example?

Why should one beat a little around the bush, disguise statements a little there and a little here, sugarcoat and speak with a friend, when they can go and almost bluntly blurt out about what's wrong - it's a close friend after all! What's in it to be politically correct?

The last two weeks have been quite trying and taught me a great deal about conducting my communication and weighing my words before uttering, sadly even with the closest of friends (I thought). To my understanding, unfortunately it was less due to the words communicated and more about my estimate about the receptiveness or maturity-to-understand of the person at the receiving end that has caused few issues. Well, who's to blame? Guess it's still me.

Politically correct answers or statements are strategies, or at least ideally are to be used strategically to minimize any offense while conveying the core message. Well, there's an assumption to it, that the recipient is mature enough or has an understanding adequate to cut through the diplomacy or political nature of the statement made and receive the core message. And, like it's required for a complete / effective communication there's gotta be a feedback either in words or in deed.

I've taken few learnings from recent past to further refine my communication.

1. To put into use something I've always known, and express it still better in words - that you're bothered/ attacking the issue and not the person.
2. Refrain from making personal remarks
3. Never make judgments about people's maturity to understand based on personal experiences - whether friends, even close or even people related to you.
4. Talk to people as if you were talking to a kid from second grade unless you're very sure, still refer point 3.
5. To understand when is the time to be silent; when is the time to speak, and be as slow to speak.
   
6. To avoid speaking to fools - you''ll either be counted one among them; worse, they don't see any understanding in your words, and they'll hate you for it. Even worse, you engage in words with them and you will become one among them.
   

Even after all this, I still believe that when speaking to at least the close friends, aides, acquaintances we ought to keep our speech plain, to the point and edifying each other to the extent possible. But, politics has also touched individual lives so deeply and to such great extent, that a politically incorrect statement can buy you a load of trouble. I'm yet to see if they'll lead me to making always a politically correct speech or not.

Hanging out with office colleagues may not be a good idea!

It's time for me to reflect on my own thoughts again. I am revisiting one of my previous posts: Friends at workplace? Not Done! Also I'm reminded of an e-buddy's question which I found really absurd then: "Do you hang out with your office colleagues?" I now concur with his opinion "You should avoid it." Sad that I had to wait for a personal experience to come to an agreement. But, as I keep testing my own judgments and re-evaluate the lessons I learn, I still believe things can change. Because it's people we're talking and people are capable of learning, choosing their actions and becoming more competent and mature to mend their ways! Ever hopeful for the best..

Emotional atyachaar, or emotional prostitution?

Talking of love, marriage, relationships, it's a constant maneuver (rather a struggle if you like it) for something still better, but when it's been sometime you've been with the same person, when the highs are not-so-high and they become lows, and things don't seem to work between two persons, the reasons why you both should be together grow thin and worsen.. yes, that's when you say 'the spark is missing'.

Sparks, ha? Here's an interesting statement I came across lately from the movie 'The Accidental Husband', where Uma Thurman, acting as a counselor advices "...Sparks cause fire, and fires will burn your house down. So, if you keep searching for good old sparky you know, you're sure to get burned. Trust me on that..."

OK. The spark is missing... what next? Time to move on.. emotional atyachaar? I'd call it emotional prostitution. Dean Sherman, in his book Love, Sex and Relationships gives a clear explanation of this phrase-- 'A prostitute is someone who's willing to shave sex with anyone who is willing to pay for it'. They have no other criteria whatsoever. Similarly, he goes on to say 'An emotional prostitute is a person who's willing to date anyone who will pay him or her a little attention. The person's emotions are out there for taking'. That's how a emotional prostitute gets paid.

But, where does this all end? Robert Schuller, the possibility-thinking guru opines, the antidote to emotional prostitution is something that's termed 'Stick-to-it-iveness'. He says 'Stay through it through thick and thin, and you'll see through eventually.' Given that we live in a fast world, and demand instant results, this certainly looks like a hard task. But, beware, if you keep looking for good old Sparky, you're sure to get burned. Well then, commit yourself to action through all the happening and the not-so-happening times in your interpersonal relationships, and you'll eventually see it through.. Don't give up. Don't become a emotional prostitute.

P.S.: Special thanks to Ryan Scott, who'd gifted me Dean Sherman's book on his visit to Faith Academy in 1998. It's been such a great positive influence.
P.P.S.: By the way, emotional atyachaar is the latest hit song from the movie Dev D in India.

Chewing the cud - 'Anyway'

Found this from my '98 Diary, reading it was like chewing my cud.. posting it here now..

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
The favors you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do favors anyway.
Honesty and Frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years in building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
People really need help, but may attack you if you help. Help them anyway.
Give the world your best, and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Keep giving the world the best you've got anyway. Always!

I looked up the internet, and looks like these words were authored by Dr. Kent M. Keith

Coming up...

I've happened to finally find my notes (and Amit Paul Kerketta's) of UESI's 1999 CMTC camp at Kotagiri, and want to soon publish the best of them, especially on Relationships, Finding God's will apart from the DIY of Quiet Time, Personal & Group Bible study.. and yes.. with all the attacks happening on Christians in India, there was also a session on 'Christian response to persecution' which I'd like to share.. All of them coming up on http://youngpeopleinchrist.blogspot.com

Do we grow to be more insensitive?

"I couldn't agree more with you!"a online friend without face exclaimed as soon I asked him that question. Not that many don't see what I see, and it's also not that all see what I see..

How many of us have made a very good friend or have a great relationship like the ones we've made during out school times or college times. Surely after we've crossed the age of 23 plus minus a year, we don't have that great a relationship to talk about.. Even when people fall in love, only a few end up marrying and the rest break-up.. again, a not-so-long-lasting relationship. Leaving a few exceptions aside, look at the reasons for the broken relationships, and you'll find the reasons would be more to do with some personal needs of ours or the others in the relation.

Growing old, we start thinking about objectives, we try to find a reason in every action / relation of ours sooner or later and end in some cases by breaking up as objectives are not met mutually or others continue for some ends to meet.. In the process may be some feelings grow and we become sensitive towards each other, but.. in principle, we all become more objective oriented and grow insensitive even as we grow older. Thoughts anyone?

Everybody needs an ear

"A spark of light for your interest... gives you many reasons to work hard..."

This was a 'status of mind' message a colleague of mine had put up after a 10 minute of talk last evening. Given that this colleague-friend was experiencing turbulent times in his career, all he needed was an ear to hear him out at the least.

As an HR professional, I always remind myself what Prof. A. Venkat Raman (Reader, FMS) used to emphasize during college days... HR stands for Human Relations. As a Christian ethic, I was always taught that we need to have a burden for others (primarily for salvation, not limiting to that, of course). Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" further reinforced the concept of using the principle even in business and work-lives too. That's a contradictory statement I made, cos when we talk of HR (human relations) it surpasses work and business to touch lives, and they actually do. The effort while initiated for business purposes, yields mutual benefits, to both the company and the executive.

But there are perils of this HR practice of getting genuinely interested in people. As Carnegie warns too... when you get genuinely interested in others, you'll be welcome anywhere, BUT, do not expect ANYTHING in return. That's where the catch is -- you're not supposed to expect anything. In raw terms, it means, you aren't gonna get anything for your efforts.

Among the 6 points listed by Dale, the First is - Become Genuinely interested in other people; which becomes a foundation for the other five... without this, I believe, any relationship is an empty exercise of hypocrisy over one another.